Guess what I did today, and yesterday, and the day before…!?
EMAILED ABOUT 25 RESUMES AND DROPPED OFF A MILLION APPLICATIONS IN 28 DEGREE HEAT!
Guess what I didn’t do today?
GET ANY JOBS!
I just didn’t want you guys thinking I’m some lazy happily unemployed deadbeat who wastes all of her time taking photos of her cat wearing different hats, watching re-runs of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and rolling around in empty boxes of Kraft Dinner while wearing nothing but a purple Snuggie.
Yes, I spend a large portion of my day doing all of those things (AND I AM NOT ASHAMED!), but I’ve also been busting my butt on the job-hunting scene for the past six six months. I’ve scored dozens of interviews and been promised by many managers that I can “expect a phonecall within the next few days either way”, yet I haven’t been contacted by anybody!
But whatever-TOTALLY don’t even care, because in times like this, instead of accepting the fact I might be Toronto’s most un-employable soon-to-be U of T grad, I prefer to convince myself that all of these managers and business-owners were spontaneously murdered minutes after interviewing me. (Be right back, e-mailing a pitch for an episode of Criminal Minds.) I’m also 99% certain that this bloody sting of murders is the best way to explain why I didn’t hear from Cute Guy #1, #2, #3, and all of their twin brothers after the first date…that, or people are on to the fact that I buy all of my make-up and pantyhose from Dollarama.
Sometimes it’s sad to think about all of the untimely deaths of all of these people who want me in their life. Almost as sad as it is to think about the fact that I’ll probably be alone and poor forever! I’ve gradually started to accept my fate though.
I was watching the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie the other night when it all started making sense. I’M THE DEAD MAN’S CHEST! I’m basically a living breathing chest of cursed pirate treasure. (Not that kind of chest, pervs…although on a side-note, that pill I take so I don’t have to buy groceries for myself AND a baby amplified my bust-line by about 12, and I can’t afford to buy a new bra that fits. Feel free to contribute to my lingerie fund.)
But back to the point. YES I’d be a great asset to your company! YES I’m great at making sandwiches, I’m fertile, and I’d be the best girlfriend you’ll ever have! But here’s a little disclaimer: if you try to call me back, you’re probably going to get shot–everybody else seems to.
It’s a hard knock-life, but I find solace in the fact that there’s somebody out there worse off than me.
For instance, the manager at the Tim Horton’s down the street from me, the supervisors of almost every department at Sobeys, and that super hot blonde guy I met at the bar two weeks ago who hasn’t responded to my last eighteen text messages. May they R.I.P.