“When I go to hell, I mean to carry a bribe: for look you, good gifts evermore make way for the worst persons”
-John Webster (1580-1634)
A lot of people (with the exception of John Webster) say money can’t buy happiness.
I wouldn’t know because I never any, HOWEVER, word on the street is that money CAN buy you grades.…not that this means much if you’re as broke as I am.
So what’s a sad unemployed soul like me supposed to do if I have a final presentation tomorrow that I haven’t prepared for, and my bank account is almost empty?
Five bucks definitely ain’t gonna buy an A+.
…but crack might.
Allow me to introduce you to the solution to all of your future problems:
Cap’n Crack Bars (For less than $5.00!)
Inspired by Domestic Rebel’s Recipe
- 6 cups of Cap’n Crunch Cereal ($1.50 at Dollarama)
- 1 bag of marshmallows ($1.00 at Dollarama)
- 1/2 cup of peanut butter ($2.00 at Dollarama)
- 3 T of margarine or butter— (I’d only use this if you can steal it from your roommate like I did—don’t judge me, she’s eaten almost all of my miracle whip, and half a loaf of my bread)
- 6 Reese’s Cups ($1.00 at Dollarama) Not necessary,but these add a nice kick that might make the difference between a C, and a B-.
Melt marshmallows, peanut butter, and margarine on oven top. Once blended, add Cap’n Crunch and stir until coated. Press into a 9 x 12 pan with a greased spatula. Freeze, divide into squares, and feed to your professor!
Word of Caution: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE THESE WHILE SUFFERING FROM P.M.S. There’s a 90% chance that you’ll eat the first
batch three batches, and your $5.00 recipe is suddenly going to cost $15.00.
I don’t use the word “crack” lightly, but these are almost worth eating somebody’s face off for…I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it has something to do with the 85% fat and sugar content. At the very least, these should earn you a participation mark or two.
Bribe away young broke asses, bribe away!
Winter is upon us– metaphorically speaking, of course. After a short but sweet (mostly short) two week vacation from the oppressive walls of university, it’s time to put away those bottles of tanning oil and that margarita mix.
‘Tis the season of tears. ‘Tis the season of summer school.
I’m pretty sure that I don’t stand alone with the belief that it’s depressing enough as it is to spend the summer in a crowded, windowless classroom while everybody else is busy on picnic dates in lush dog parks, throwing up on rollercoaster attendants at Wonderland, and sunbathing on nude beaches (because in my alternative reality everybody has a boyfriend, nobody has to have a job, and clothing is optional.)
…but it gets worse. Yep, there’s an e-coli infested cherry on top of this sundae of woe.
Let me introduce you to my bank account. A billion dollars worth of textbooks and tuition later, and we’re looking at:
In case you can’t read fine-print, that says $6.53. SIX DOLLARS. AND FIFTY-THREE CENTS… and perhaps sadder still, it’s more money than I thought I had. I’m not complaining though- because that would go against everything I stand for! When your stomach is as empty as your wallet, there’s only one thing to do.
Open up your book of recipes that cost $0 to make. Or the next best thing: less than $5.
“Help-I’m-Starving-And-My-Parents-Are-Sick-of-Sending-Me-Money Black Bean Soup”
- 3 cans of Black Beans (Preferably No-Name brand, because they cost only cost 75 cents a pop!)
- one can of vegetable broth (feel free substitute with any other bouillion)
- one small onion
- Optional (but recommended if you already have them on hand, or if your budget is $7-$10): 1 tablespoon of Chili Powder, ¾ cup of salsa, and lime juice to taste.
- Blend/mash/puree half of the beans, mince the onion, throw everything together, and cook it until it’s hot, thick, and tastes like it might have cost more than $4.65!
I promise it tastes less like puke than it looks.
This recipe makes about six servings, adding up to about 78 cents a meal. Sadly, Gas-X costs a bit more, so you might want to hold off on making this until you can take proper precautions, or else EAT AT YOUR OWN RISK!
And that’s my bathroom cue.
It’s bean a slice!