“When I go to hell, I mean to carry a bribe: for look you, good gifts evermore make way for the worst persons”
-John Webster (1580-1634)
A lot of people (with the exception of John Webster) say money can’t buy happiness.
I wouldn’t know because I never any, HOWEVER, word on the street is that money CAN buy you grades.…not that this means much if you’re as broke as I am.
So what’s a sad unemployed soul like me supposed to do if I have a final presentation tomorrow that I haven’t prepared for, and my bank account is almost empty?
Five bucks definitely ain’t gonna buy an A+.
…but crack might.
Allow me to introduce you to the solution to all of your future problems:
Cap’n Crack Bars (For less than $5.00!)
Inspired by Domestic Rebel’s Recipe
- 6 cups of Cap’n Crunch Cereal ($1.50 at Dollarama)
- 1 bag of marshmallows ($1.00 at Dollarama)
- 1/2 cup of peanut butter ($2.00 at Dollarama)
- 3 T of margarine or butter— (I’d only use this if you can steal it from your roommate like I did—don’t judge me, she’s eaten almost all of my miracle whip, and half a loaf of my bread)
- 6 Reese’s Cups ($1.00 at Dollarama) Not necessary,but these add a nice kick that might make the difference between a C, and a B-.
Melt marshmallows, peanut butter, and margarine on oven top. Once blended, add Cap’n Crunch and stir until coated. Press into a 9 x 12 pan with a greased spatula. Freeze, divide into squares, and feed to your professor!
Word of Caution: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE THESE WHILE SUFFERING FROM P.M.S. There’s a 90% chance that you’ll eat the first
batch three batches, and your $5.00 recipe is suddenly going to cost $15.00.
I don’t use the word “crack” lightly, but these are almost worth eating somebody’s face off for…I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it has something to do with the 85% fat and sugar content. At the very least, these should earn you a participation mark or two.
Bribe away young broke asses, bribe away!
As we discussed in my last post, sometimes mothers give bad advice. Such as telling you not to whine… Or urging you to stay off of city street corners no matter how desperate you are to make some cash.
I’m here to tell you otherwise! It’s time to put on those thigh-highs, and buy your mom a copy of “Pretty Woman” on blu-ray. Julia Roberts didn’t land Richard Gere by hanging out in residential family neighbourhoods.
How to Get Free Shit Part 3 : Street Corners 101
I’m going to apologize right now if I got you excited about an opportunity to finally wear that red pleather tube dress you bought on a whim when you were 18, because you don’t actually need it. I’ve got no hate for anybody who actually makes their living in 6-inch platforms and zebra print, but today’s topic is a bit more PG.
Today we’re talking about hunting for free samples, which can almost always be found on major intersections in big cities.
I’m going to be specifically referencing Toronto, Canada but the same thing most likely applies to any large metropolis.
There’s really not much to elaborate on about this tip, because it’s so simple!
Step 1: Walk by some of the popular corners in the city (especially on sunny week-ends) and collect your free swag.
Step 2: Go home, change your shirt and put some sunglasses on, walk by the same popular corners in the city, and collect your swag again!
Step 3: Repeat.
In my experience, some of the most bountiful intersections in Toronto are:
- Yonge & Dundas Square
- Queen & Spadina
- Queen & Soho
- Bloor & Yonge
- Bloor & Bay
- Yonge & Eglinton
These are some of the hot spots in my downtown neighbourhood, but I’m sure there are many others. AND a lot of the time these “sample crews” drive around in a company vehicle visiting different locations throughout the day, which makes getting multiples of your free swag a lot easier (please refer back to Step 2).
As for anybody who’s thinking “This seems like a lot of work for a free sample. GET A JOB!” I am not talking about the free samples of cheese cubes that they give away at Loblaws- although free cheese is still awesome. Most of the time these companies are giving away full-sized products and awesome stuff that you’d be buying anyways (If you had more than $4.53 in your bank account)!
Some stuff I’ve collected:
- Granola Bars
- Potato Chips
- Ice Cream
- Kit Kat Bars
- ALCOHOL (Most recently, four cans of Bud Light Lime, and a Palm Bay vodka cooler)!
Honestly, if they make it and sell it, you can probably find it for free on a corner… you’ve just got to do a bit of street walking! Hoop earrings and leather mini skirts are optional.
One last word of advice: If you see a rusted van with tinted windows offering you food or free booze, this probably isn’t something you want to stop and sample.
If any readers have collected their own freebies lately, share the who/what/when/where/why!
“Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”
―Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
Cute quote, Randy—but I’ve got one thing to say.
WHATCHA TALKIN’ BOUT WILLIS?!
Randy has obviously never been so broke that he’s had to steal his roommate’s socks because he doesn’t have enough quarters to do laundry (hey, at least I stay out of the underwear drawer). Randy sounds like the kind of guy who has always had the luxury of cheese with his macaroni and “J” on his PB and J. Randy is clearly that guy we all hate who uses a Brita water jug, and actually buys a new filter every week.
And if not? Well that’s Randy’s problem, because he’s not complaining enough!
popular Randy Pausch’s opinion, complaining is EXTREMELY likely to help you achieve your goals. Most specifically, if your goals involve getting free swag.
Now I’m sure this goes against a lot of things you’ve been brought up to believe in. If your mom read the same “How to Make Sure Your Child Isn’t a Whiny Bitch” book that mine did, you’ve probably been taught the following :
- treat others the way you want to be treated
- say please
- stop whining
- stop whining
- stop whining
Complaining 101 (2.0)
In a nutshell, our waitress was a walking argument for why minimum wage should be lowered. Not only did she fail to provide me with a single refill for my bottomless iced tea, but she forgot the bread-bowl, and didn’t realize that she’d forgotten to tell the kitchen what entrées my sister and I wanted until two hours after we had ordered!
When I politely explained that this mishap had completely interrupted the rest of our night’s plans and asked for some kind of compensation, our waitress replied (with a stank face and an extremely witchy voice):
“Not really, these things happen.”
The rest of our conversation went something like this:
Shitty Waitress McGee: I don’t know what you expect me to do, you’ve already eaten your food.
Me: Is there a manager that we could talk to?
S. W. M.: Talking to a manager isn’t going to change anything.
Me (inner monologue): It’s. On. Bitch.
One nasty e-mail later, and I receive a friendly phone-call from the restaurant manager informing me that a $50 gift card is in the mail, and S. W. M. “ had been dealt with accordingly”.
Complaining 101 (3.0)
“But what if I’m one of those unfortunate people who’ve only received optimum customer service and above average food while dining!? I don’t have anything to complain about!”
This doesn’t matter anymore. You’re officially too poor to worry about that. Or to be honest.
Have you ever had one of those “wouldn’t it suck if…blah blah blah happened” thoughts? Those thoughts are the unborn fetuses of future complaint letters!
“Wouldn’t it suck if I opened up my Kraft Dinner and there wasn’t even a cheese packet?”
It sure would, and here’s what I’d say if it happened…or if it didn’t happen, and I wanted free KD.
Dear sir or madame,
I might be the biggest fan of Kraft Dinner I know! I eat it at least three times a week. It’s my favourite food, even better than lots of the pasta at restaurants like Olive Garden!
That being said, I was extremely disappointed by my last purchase which was missing the best part… The cheese! I dumped out all of the noodles to make sure the packet wasn’t at the bottom, but it wasn’t! And who wants to eat plain boiled macaroni noodles? $1.79 down the drain.
I am a big fan of Kraft products, but this isn’t the first problem I’ve had with them lately. Just a few weeks ago, I purchased a large block of velveeta cheese for my famous Easter cheese sauce, and there was a slit in the plastic and half of it was crusty! I didn’t complain this time, because I thought it might have been a shipping incident and wasn’t worth the trouble…but now it seems to be a trend.
I’m not sure if there is anything you can do to repair this situation, but I just thought that you should know.
One month later:
Oh hi, $1.50 coupon from Kraft.
I’m not kidding, this works. You just have to put your mind to it…and if you don’t feel like putting your mind to it, then let me introduce you to http://www.pakin.org/complaint. A free complaint letter generator!
The possibilities are endless, so get out there, start complaining, and let me know how it goes!